Fright

Oddly enough, I thought I had moved past this. Needing to vent my feelings to no one. Or someone no where. Apparently, in the face of adversity I revert back to what I know to be time-tested stress relievers.

Almost always, I only post my "poetic" thought ramblings. However, my self-control no longer exists.

I will be completely honest and say that: it is not helping this time.

I am not being dramatic. Or maybe I am?

I can be that. Dramatic, I mean.

I want to be coherent and understandable and understanding and loving and reassuring and that person who everyone expects me to be when faced with shock.

But I'm scared. When the shit hits the fan, I might lose a friend because I was protecting another. And I might hate myself a little for it.

A lot.

And my mind is running in circles and I want it all to just not be.

I want my voice back.

Sometimes I worry for my metal state.

And then I remember that I've not done anything wrong, but I still feel guilty.

Does that make it worse?

I think it does.

Swirling confusion surrounds me from all sides and I do not know who to turn to.

Promises tie my hands behind my back and gag me.

I feel helpless and hurt.

I want to help.

My arms cannot move.

My mouth cannot speak.

Why do we only care enough to say, "That's a pity"?

Humanity fails itself over and over again.

"Never Again." (At least, not until someone decides they want to do it again, because we're not going to stop them.)

How can they have faith in us? How can they not hate us? I do.

And I'm a part of it.

Faith

Do you remember when I was little?

I used to hold my arms out to the sky,

and tell myself that I would let God take me, just because.

I would let him lead me. Anywhere.

Do you remember when I was little?

I used to believe without question,

that my prayers would keep us safe,

that we would be okay.

Because you said so.

Do you remember when I was little?

I used to think that those words would keep us here.

Together and happy.

Do you remember?

I used to think it was enough,

"Dear Lord, Thank you for a wonderful day. Please take care of us while we sleep tonight. Amen."

Do you remember when I started to question?

When words were no longer enough to keep me believing?

When I started to question myself for questioning my beliefs?

Do you remember how I used to be?

Unwavering in conviction and knowledge.

Too young and naive to know what mattered.

I want that. I want that now.

That faith.

Remember me?

Remember me please, when I am gone.

When I have left you to find a better place to be.

Remember the hugs, and the kisses,

the words spoken softly and sweetly to comfort and love.

Remember the jokes we shared,

the hurtful gossip we avoided,

the friendships both questioned and strengthened.

Remember the advice given and the thoughts aired.

Remember the ideas that bloomed into something greater, into reality.

And remember me for who I was and not who I have become,

because who I have become is not me.

Not the me I want you to remember years from now,

that me is lost.

But she will be found.

That is where I am going.

So please I beg of you, remember the me you loved.

Do not forget the person who was your confidant.

I am here.

But I question,

Will you remember me?

On my return,

will you remember me?

Latest Read

This post is just to say that I added a box on the left entitled "Latest Read" I'll be updating with the title and author of the latest books I've read, but only if I think the book is worth sharing, if it's not good I won't make you suffer. =P Hopefully you'll enjoy them as much I do.

Sorry if you don't...

Here's hoping that inspiration will come to me soon, I feel a little empty when I don't have a good update ever once in a while, it makes me feel like the words have left me.

Questioning

Head

aching.

Mind

spinning.

Eyes

wandering.

Holding

back.

Calling

out.

Wanting

more.

Prayers

unanswered.

Question

existence.