Sunday, May 17, 2009

Downpour

Pouring down my face,
running through my veins,
calming me, soothing me.

Rain hitting the roof,
day after day after day,
making me wish the sun would stay.
Patterns comforting me,
allowing me control,
and yet...
I am captivated.
The shear unknown nature of the rain,
the uncontrollable nature,
with only one constant,
The sound of the rain's current flowing past my window.

Gone

No words floating,
No more inspiration,
Nothingness envelopes.
Unfeeling unforgiving numbness,
Questions my motives,
Confusing me beyond the point of caring.
Wanting a reason,
to fight back,
to resist the pull
threatening to drag me under.
Needing to exist for something more.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Frustration

The frustration penetrates ever pore,
every bit of my being,
and yet you stand there unfeeling,
unwilling to understand your faults.

Maybe I am at fault too,
but at least I am willing to accept my part,
unlike you, ignoring us all.

I cannot help but wonder.
Wondering where we went wrong.
How it got this far.
How we let it.
How you will survive without us.
How you will move on,
meet new people without insulting them.

As your friends, we are each others rock.
Steadfast.
No matter what, no questions asked.
Always.
Forever.
But there is only so much we can look passed,
only so much others will readily accept.

These stereotypes reflect so poorly on you,
and by association?
Me.
Her.
On all of us.

Unacceptable.
Prejudice is something I refuse to tolerate.
People always judge me because I am 'multi-racial',
and because I have chosen to fully embrace it.
Because I choose to look different,
with my clothes and my hair and my attitude,
my sarcasm, my pessimism, my realism.
They judge me without even thinking twice.
And to prove them wrong,
I make it a point to exceed all expectations they have thought of.

Because of that,
because of how people have treated me,
I refuse to allow you to judge them,
and if you do?
I refuse to acknowledge your claims.

To you, skinny with no chest means no self-esteem;
to me, it means a fast metabolism.
To you, fat with a huge chest means no self-confidence;
to me, it means someone whose genetics have decided for them.
I know people that defy every stereotype you will throw at them,
even if you will not admit it.

But please, do tell,
What does that make me?
Where the hell do I fit in your stereotypes?
Tell me.
Please.

I hate how you can judge everyone else,
but at the same time say they will not apply to those around you.
What does that say about us?
That you know you cannot judge us,
not without proving yourself wrong,
or insulting us to prove yourself right.

"Little girl with a messed up past"?
FUCK that.
She is more normal than you willing EVER fucking be.
Do. not. judge. her.
Especially because her parents are divorced and her father remarried a women he loves.
Do. not. judge. her.
Especially because you do NOT understand how she copes,
that she is okay with the divorce,
that she accepts it,
and that she loves Janet.
What kind of heartless wench would call her past 'messed up' just because her parents do not live together anymore?
In what society would half of your comments be acceptable?

Please.
Explain.
I'm willing to listen,
but I highly doubt anything you say can make me forgive you
for all the damage you've caused to my sisters.

Because that is what these girls are to me,
not just friends.
Sisters.

You used to be one too, remember?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Content

Sick.
Stuffy, congested, disgusted.
Achy all over.
Waiting for the infection to pass.

My head is throbbing,
The sensation isn't new,
It feels like it's been forever,
Since my head didn't hurt.
Thankfully the pain is fading,
And maybe some day soon I won't feel it.

And yet...

Even sick,
With my head aching so painful,
With my body so completely at odds,
Practically falling apart,
I'm perfectly content.

There has been no yelling.
No fighting.
Nothing.
Only peace.
Calmness.
For once the peace is not just one of my dreams,
It is not just in my head,
It is real.

Laughter fills the house,
Joking lewd comments are thrown back and forth,
Hysterical work stories are told,
All the while,
Smiling.

How long this will last,
I know not the answer,
But I embrace it while I can.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Out of my Head

I know this is a lot choppier then anything I've ever written before, but this is almost completely unaltered from what came out the first time around, it's just what's floating around in my head.
Maybe one day I'll go back and refine some of these ideas into something more real, but if I don't I'm okay with that too.

Enjoy:

You have got to be kidding me.

I think I might like you.
I think I might hate myself for it.

Maybe I let my mind wander to you.
But only once.

Okay, twice.

But it means nothing.
Not a thing.

Right?

It can't. I can't.
This is not how I function.
Unacceptable.

Why am I trying so hard to push any thought of you away?
Why is it so hard, so impossible, to do?

God knows it kills me to even write about you where I know you'll never see it.

Fuck.

This is ridiculous.

This is not how I act.
Not how I react.

It can't be.
I can't.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I thought it was over.

Running, screaming, pushing, fighting.

Listening to them,
Hoping one day they'll listen to me.

Running away from the hurt.
Hiding away from the grief.
Locked away somewhere safe.
Retreating to a happier time when there were smiles,
No fights,
No regrets,
No disappointments.

Screaming incessantly.
Not my own.
Harsh tones, harsh whispers, escalating.
All escalating.
Louder.
Always louder.
Until I can no longer drown them out.
Nothing is loud enough to hide behind.
Only left to drown in the sorrow.

Pushing myself.
Removing my body and my mind.
No meditation will take the noise,
No medication will bring me sleep.
I push ahead.

Fighting again.
Nonsensical.
Inconsequential.
Frustratingly emotional beyond words.

I falter in my work.

I falsify my happiness for theirs.

For today, it is enough.

Friday, March 27, 2009

0 to 79, to 83,

Christams Eve in a field.
In the shower.
On a pool table.

Only two years away.
Is that what I'm supposed to be?
How I'm supposed to act?

I don't understand,
How do they not feel dirty or unclean?
Was it love or even affection?
Or was is just lust?

I cannot understand their desicions.
Why would you do that?
Act that way?

Passing others around as though they were toys?
Shouldn't you at least be able to remember who they were?
Names?
Faces?

Is this the norm?
Are you all like this?
How am I supposed to feel comfortable with this?

If this is how I'm supposed to be then I refuse.
I don't know how to start,
but I'll wait a little longer.

I refuse to behave like I don't care.
I saw your face,
you were embarrassed, and I don't want that.
I don't want to feel that regret.